How to Handle Your Accountant: A Humourous Guide

With acknowledgement to our friends at the Institution of Chartered Accountants in Ireland

1. Never ask your accountant to do your accounts before you actually need them. Always phone up a few days before your meeting with the bank manager, to stop us from getting into the habit of planning the month's work in advance.

2. Never give us full directions to your address. That would deprive the accountant who comes out to collect your papers of the opportunity to discover for herself some of the delightful scenery of West Wales.

3. Whenever possible try to make sure that nobody is in when the accountant arrives. This will give her the opportunity to look around your farm/factory/office/garden. Then when you come back, she can always come out again.

4. Don't waste time searching for all your papers before calling us. We are happy to make four or five trips to pick up the papers by stages. Many lasting friendships can be struck up this way.

5. Never supply all the pages of your bank statements. Accountants are specially trained to know what was on the missing pages.

6. Never write on your cheque stubs. This gives the accountant an opportunity to use her imagination.

7. Let us know if you want to make a profit or a loss this year. We can always send you two or three different versions of the accounts for you to make a choice.

8. After we have had your papers for a week, start ringing us every day to ask if we have finished yet. We always enjoy these friendly chats.